jjcobwebb

This entry is not mine. This is from Carl's blog. I stumbled on his site last night and I immediately fell in love with his blog. And I wanted to repost it kasi nagalingan ako sa kanya magsulat. I wanted to write an entry like this for so long. I just don't know how and where to start. Though I've never been in a place like this. His realization reflects how I feel on places similar to this. Bars, saunas, massage parlors etc... Anyways, this entry says it all. Here it goes:

I have taken my queeriosity to a higher level.

It was my first time in a place like it. Men walking around the dimly lit halls looking like bees choosing their right place in the hive. Almost all of them are putting up the attitude so they’ll appear like the best delicacy in the place. It’s like a buffet but they have the right to refuse. Almost nude men were caressing their privates in public, as though calling the right guy, the right flavor, for the night. All of them are wearing only a towel wrapped around their waists in different styles. Of course, those with exemplary exterior looked best wearing almost nothing, and I guess looked best with nothing at all. But I did not see any nude ones there.  In the small cubicles, I heard whipping, moaning, cursing and other inaudible sounds which either translates to “more” or “ouch” or maybe both. With all these, I didn’t even have a semi-hard on.

Tired of walking around the halls with Cesar, I decided to go to the bar, where I can do the thing I think I do best, drink beer. I thought to myself, these people are not my public. I finished three bottles in ten minutes. The bartender initiated a conversation. I figured out that he’s of non-Luzon accent. I asked where he’s from, in Visayan language. He said something like Negros, but I didn’t really understand. We continued to speak in Visayan. Another guy, a bald, slim, dark man who seemed sad butted in the conversation. He’s from Cagayan de Oro. I asked if it’s the Cagayan which is in a state of calamity now since I always interchange Cagayan Valley with de Oro. He said yes, and the conversation became ensued. The aura of the bar suddenly changed. They were all so silent until I began to speak about things that are not related to sex. I didn’t care. I was already drunk. Some of them revealed sad emotions right away. They wouldn’t open those kinds of things normally, but I was sincere at asking. At knowing. It’s the reason we drink anyway, to feel lighter one way or another. If they release tension through sex, I have a different method: letting them talk. Somehow, I felt like they felt better after having spoken about their concerns and their worries and anything at all that they’d want to share. Cesar was away doing his own thing, and when he went back to the bar, I can only imagine that he was laughing at me turning the entire place like a therapy session. I didn’t care at all what they thought about me, but I was, and still am, sure that I was sincere about everything I’ve said. I was drunk.

The dark man ordered me a drink saying that it’s for me because I’m a first-timer. I felt obliged. It was all a good talk. But at the end of the day, I felt sad for them. For us. I don’t know why. I just did. What’s the difference between a man who had ten encounters that night and a person who had no score? Of course, one may have felt he’s desirable but it doesn’t mean that the other didn’t. In that dark place, they didn’t really see each other. What they saw were just bodies. Muscles. Abs. Penises. I think I was the only one who saw them as individuals. Beautiful but all grotesque inside. Nothing but Picasso masterpieces. If was just better looking, I would have made them happy even just that night. I should have given my body for them to use however they want, and still see them as them and not just numbers. But I am just me. People are still dismayingly lookist. Or maybe I’m just the only fool to think that way and out of context, considering that I was in a place exclusively designed for the satisfaction of carnal needs. Of feeding the narcissistic nature of people.

Amen to this entry.