jjcobwebb

A repost from my Wordpress blog:

September 14, 2008 - My Sense of Trust, No Time To Cry, Wordpress

Last night, I had a conversation with my brother on the phone. I was silent most of the time we were talking. He was talking and I wasn’t even listening. I was watching TV. He kept shouting and asking me to tell him stories about what happened for this day. I talked in a soft way. But still he kept shouting. He’s not angry though, that’s just how he talks. I don’t like the phone. I don’t like talking on the phone. Period.

I remember, back in Grade 4, I had this friend who kept asking for my phone number. I never gave it to him. It’s really not my style to talk on the phone about senseless things. My ear just ache and my vocal chords get damaged. It’s hard to control your voice on the phone. I have trouble speaking on the phone. I can’t control how loud or soft of low or high my voice should be on the phone. I am also lazy with holding the handset on my ear. I get tired after a few minutes. Back to this classmate,  one summer vacation, I was suprised he got my telephone number. To my anger, I didn’t talk to him til we were in Grade 7. It was just weird and all. Why would he search or ask people for my phone number if I myself won’t give it to him? Isn’t that already a hint that I don’t want to talk to him on the phone? But I was childish for not talking to him for so long. We could’ve settled it immediately. But it’s done. I didn’t like talking on the phone back then too.

And who would forget when my closest friend hung up on me? But let's not get over-dramatic here. Whatever happened, happened. All is said and done. I forgive people easily.  

Lately, there are people online asking for the mobile number. Before, I admit, I used to give it to anyone who asked for it. It was my way of gaining new friends or entertaining possible relationships. Those days are long over. Now, when people try to ask me for my number, I reply back at them by asking their YM messenger ID instead. Some give theirs, some don’t. In YM, I try to get to know the person as much as possible. And when the right time arrives, I give them my number. Unfortunately, I seldom reply to their texts messages once I have given them my number. I know, I know, I am bad, but I don’t feel like texting lately. Not just lately but this year too. Other times, there are also people who bravely ask for my landline number. I don’t reply back at them anymore. I think it’s already  invading my privacy. My family’s privacy. And why give it to them when I don’t even give it to my closest friends? Meeting new people is not as interesting as it was before.

I have already cleared my cellphone’s inbox and outbox. For the past 5 days, only 3 persons have texted me. Mostly forwarded quotes. I miss those times when I would talk and get to know someone via text. When I get giddy and all via text. Maybe this is temporary. I want peace of mind right now. I want to not think of what I’ve been thinking for the whole year. I want to be sure. Or I just want to have my sanity back. Or whatever.

Probably, this is a side effect of all the dramas that happened this year. My mind being so fixated on one person. Me being distrusted. Me being played. Me being used. Me being just an option. Me being I don't know. Don't worry, this is just me talking to myself. Maybe, my sense of trust have flown with the wind. Maybe this is temporary. I’m going to wait whether or not my sense of trust will rebuild itself. Maybe I’ll try to learn how to trust again. Maybe other people can trust me. Maybe they can trust me again. I know I will. I know they will.