jjcobwebb

Posted on September 13, 2008 at 12:27 AM by subtlebliss
Filed under Private 

I don't know but lately I've been feeling that he played me and just used me. Sad but I just have this feeling...

We've been in contact since first month of this year and we've been like almost lovers since then. Let's just say that I wanted him the first time I saw him but he was in a relationship that time. If I wasn't interested him back then, I wouldn't have asked for his Yahoo! Messenger ID or even his mobile number. We became close as close. Every morning he would text me and before I hit the sack he'd text me too. We were like chatting on Yahoo! Messenger every night. Why every night? He's job was a night shift back then. And I was doing my thesis too so I stayed up late at night as well. We would talk about anything, or anyone or whats-on for the moment. He would text me his rants about his current boyfriend that time. That his lover doesn't show or tell him much about his feelings. He was there, being treated like a wallflower by his boyfriend at that that time. You know what, when he was telling what his boyfriend has been doing to him, I wanted to hug him that time.

At a short period of time, I got to know the serious and fragile part of him. He deserved to be loved the way he wanted to be. But you know, I can't do anything about it since he told me that he never let go of a person and hold on until the other party lets him go. I was there on his side as a friend. I wasn't expecting much those times cause it seems to me that I really had no chance to love him the way he wanted to and and the way that I wanted too. There was even a time I wanted to talk to his boyfriend that time just to tell him how much his lover loves him. I deserved to be loved and I wanted to love him. Days went by and we were texting and chatting and met up. He told his boyfriend that time about our meet up. It wasn't a date. It was a friendly-date. We hung out and talked. Well, I did all the talking the first time we met. He was just there silent and was laughing at my stories. That's when I knew, I wanted him and I wanted to take good care of him. And the give him the love that he deserves. Maybe it was too fast, but no, with all those textings and chattings that we had, I got to know, let's say percentage of his personality. And so we continued getting in touch through text and chats.  

One of the happiest, I know this sounds bad but let me say it here, again, one of the happiest moments or dates of this year was the time he told me that he and his boyfriend that time called their relationship off. I was in cloud nine when he texted me "Break na kami ng jowa ko". I was elated and really excited. You know the feeling that finally, you're gonna have a chance with him this time cause he has no longer strings attached to someone else. I tried waiting for a month, and another month and another month. It was like waiting for nothing. Okay, it took us two months to meet up again after our first meet-up. It was a month after his breakup with his ex. I thought for the second time that this year, this might me another chance for us to be lovers. I was mistaken. After that meet-ups, he'd have fights and arguments and I almost gave up. Then we would make peace then argue again. It's not like I was holding him so tight because I really have no right, but he felt that way. I was loving him so much and I didn't know I was. He doesn't want that.

During one of our arguments, and during the time he was ignoring all my texts and offline messages, he and his ex met up after the break-up. It was hell for me. How did I know? While trying to convince him that I had nothing to do with those stuff that happened between him and my friend, he finally talked to me. And yeah, right there and then too he told me about his meet up with is ex. I was shattered. While typing my replies on my keyboard, I was crying. Tears after tears were flowing down my face til I had no more tears to shed. So I told myself that he doesn't belong to me but he once belonged to him. I cannot stop them from being together again since they had history. So I asked him if I could hug him for the last time before he and his ex make-up. I assumed that but when I tried asking him if they'll get back, he just said he doesn't know. So he granted me a hug. A tight hug he gave me. What's more is that he kissed me. I was crying the whole time he was kissing me and hugging me because the thought of him and his ex making up is running through my mind. I wasn't pretending those tears. They were real. I was crying because he was never mine and the thought that his ex might hurt him again. I don't want him to get hurt but what will make him happy will also make me happy. Joyously, they didn't make up. His ex was set to work to another country and it is way far for them to be together again. What happened once happened for the second time, he tried making out the second time I was in his place. It was almost a dream come true for me. One of the happiest days of life ever.

Making out with someone you love was different. It was a combination of love and lust at the same time. You feel very sensitive and fiery when you get to make out with the person you really like and love. It was magical. I didn't want the time to run. But what happened happened and I was happy. I just so hope he was happy. Few months later there's drama here and there. Arguments arose but we managed to patch things up. There are times when I feel like giving up on him that I once dated and almost said yes to this guy I was dating. I asked him if he still likes me, yep him, so I could be with the guy I'm dating that time. He said he didn't like me anymore. He can't tell it straight to my eyes so I never felt the sincerity. I felt that there's still a spark of a chance that he still likes me or if he really doesn't, will still like me. I ditched the guy who was all good  to me just for him. After I ditched the guy, everything between us went smooth sailing. We would date and see each other every week. Dine here and there. Watch movies. Text and chat the way we used to the first time we got to know each other.

Just when everything was nice, romantic and giddy and all, I had this mysterious guy who happened to message me through Yahoo! Messenger. To cut is short it was him trying to ask questions about my feelings for him. I was offended yes but was not angry. I thought it was kinda sweet and romantic but why pretend to be someone else and ask questions about how I really feel for him. I tried asking him why he needs to do that. He didn't answer. I didn't bother to ask him again. I can't read him. And for the longest time, I still can't read him. Is playing with me? Does he want me? He knows I like him but why is he doing this to me? Sometimes he would text and be all nice but sometimes he can't be felt. Sometimes he would ditch me, but sometimes he'd do something so sweet that would sweep me off me feet. I can't understand him but I'm trying to be understanding.

But I came with the realization that I can't blame him for doubting what I feel. He's been cheated by his ex and getting through this trust issues is hard. I know that since someone broke my trust before. But this is getting absurd. What will you think when at times his sweet and at times he's not. What will you think when he doesn't tell you how he feels and yet he does sweet things to you? And how will you feel that whenever you ask him a question about the real deal between you, he doesn't answer. It's hard. And how will you feel if you ask him questions that you know the answers and yet he denies them?           

It has been rollercoaster ride with him. I've had happy moments and sad moments but I really don't know what's going on his mind. Does he like me the way that I like him or am I just a plaything when he's bored and doesn't have anything or anyone for-the-moment. I have been numb with his ways. But you know, though I'm no longer expecting us to end up being together, I still have hope. They say it's better to hope than expect right? I'm still holding on that little hope that one day he'll learn to say what he feels about me. All I need are answers right now. I never asked him to love me back. I never asked him to like be back either. All I want to know is what's going on between us. What's the deal? What my chances are. I still am not giving up because there's always a hope. I'm holding on a rope. But a rope can break. So, am I being played? I don't know...