jjcobwebb

When I was younger, everybody (my parents, my relatives) was expecting me to be this, to be that. I.Q.-wise, academics-wise and talent-wise, I was up there they told me. They'd call me a child prodigy. I was put so high the pedestal that there came I point when somebody would correct me I'd feel bad. When I failed, I'd cry. That was back then. When I was younger, more like 15 years ago.

Just got back from Tito Siling's wake. Some relatives (his daughters) came home from States were present. I really didn't want to go but Ate kept calling me on my phone and eventually persuaded me to go. It's been like more than 15 years when I last saw some cousins. They've changed physically. But something bothered me though, they still see me the way they did more than 15 years ago. I forged a smile. But a while ago, I really wanna cringe. They still call me the names they used to call me when I was younger. "Boy-wonder". "genius", "matalino", "gifted-child" etc.

It's not anymore. Jobo has left. I am not that Jacob anymore. I just so wish I were but no. It's a sad reality. A failed expectation. Everything went downhill from there. I don't know if I can still get it back.

On the brighter side of things, I felt more handout cause back then I used to act on what people are expecting of me. Of what they think of me. I wanted to please them and I don't want to fail them. I thought that's how it's supposed to be but no.  

Growing up, I went to meet a lot of people and I've finally decided on what I really want in my life (in some area). I can already think for myself and I can even think for somebody else. I used to hold back my emotions cause if I don't, people around me would throw me stones. My mom would be the first. I needed to act on their dictate. T'was hard yet I was happy cause they were happy. But you know what, it's just now that I've found out the difference between pleasing other people to make them happy and simply making people happy. The diffence between being happy because people around you are happy for you and simply being happy. I might not be making sense on this entry but right now, I feel (and I am quoting Mariah) EMANCIPATED.

I feel really nice telling people this a while ago--- "hindi na kasi ako yung batang Jacob eh. Hindi na ko matalino. Sira na future ko. Haha!". Though they thought I was just being humble, they'd reply back and say --- "sige na nga sabi mo eh..." . It took me a lot of guts to tell them that in from of my mom. I hope she didn't take that seriously. Anyways, I just so wish they won't bring up how I well I did when I was younger. How everybody was expecting me to be this or to be that. As much as I want to bring back former glory, it might take me a lifetime. I am not saying that I won't get there again but chances like that are halve.

I wish Jobo would return but that's gonna take me a lot of work.

What's more important right now is that I am happy with the things that are happening around me. People are happy because of me. I am happy because I choose to be happy. I am happy because I am free...