jjcobwebb

Isang taon na pala since last kong naramdaman toh Mr. T! And yeah, pagbinabasa ko ngayon, ganito at ganito pa rin ang nararamdaman ko. Some blog entries are untouchable. I really wanted to create a 2009 version of this entry but for the love of God, I can't. I'll never be able to replicate what I wrote on this entry. Everything that I've written here is in place. Honest. Positive. Like I've never been hurt before. I won't repost the whole entry here, but I'll put snippets of some of the things, that until now, I can't get over with. Things that I still think about...

"Kahit ilang beses kong sabihin sa sarili ko na masaya ko with my friends, family and relatives and even my relationship with God, iba eh. Not putting God aside naman, for practicality's sake, may kulang pa rin. Alam kong may kulang and the more I try to say na hindi ko kailangan ng relationship, the more I long for it."

"Meron naman iba, sobrang hulog na hulog na ko, ayun, hinayaan lang akong mahulog hindi naman ako sinalo. Minsan tuloy dahil sa mga ganyang pangyayari, nawawalan ako ng tiwala sa iba pang mga darating. Oo, sige, siguro sasabihin mo na dapat maging bukas ang puso at pag-iisip ko at iba-iba naman ang mga tao pero iba pa rin eh. Alam mo yung isang pakiramdam na ayaw mo na maramdaman ulit dahil napakasakit? Meron namang pakiramdam na sobrang tamis na ayaw mo na matapos eh bigla na lang magwawakas sa dahilang hindi mo namalayan kung ano. Gusto mo man maramdaman ulit eh wala ng pagkakataon at hindi mo na maramdaman to sa ibang tao"

"Gusto ko yung taong pinagkakatiwalaan ako at pinagkakatiwalaan ko rin. Gusto ko mahalin yung taong hindi nagprepretend to be somebody else. Gusto ko rin yung taong tatanggapin ako bilang ako at hindi ko rin kailangan magkunwari sa harapan niya."

" Hay Mr. T! nakakalungkot pero kailangan ko maging masaya :). Hay... gusto ko ng mamahalin at mamahalin din ako. Ng aalagaan ko at aalagaan ko rin. Yung tatawagin kong beh, baby, sweetheart, honey at ganun din siya sa kin. Nakakatuwa isipin noh pero nakakalungkot at the same time. Actually ngayon, hindi ko alam kung magiging masaya ako sa pagiging single or hindi. Pero lahat naman ng bagay di ba may PROS and CONS. I'd take and do anything just to experience LOVE right now."

"Sana dumating or mahanap or magparamdam or makita ko na yung taong pwedeng umintindi sa kin, kaya akong tanggapin, yung pagkakatiwalaan ako, yung pagpapasensiyahan ako, yung maaliw sa kin, yung sasabihan ako ng mga pinakakatago niyang sikreto, yung pasasayahin ako, yung patatawanin ako, yung walang paki sa sasabihin ng iba, at higit sa lahat yung mamahalin ako ng buong buo at mamahalin ko rin siya tulad ng pagmamahal niya sa kin. Buong buo."

To read the rest of the entry, CLICK HERE

See? One year ago I felt that way. One year after I'm still feeling that way. Desperate much? I don't think so. It's so hard to pretend that you're complete when actually, you are not. It sucks big time. And what do you do when people leave you for no particular reason? I don't know, it's just that I grew tired chasing after these people. It's been that way ever since. I need to save some pride for myself. I've swallowed as much as I could. Just like what my Twitter says: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was...". The things I need may come slow, but I know and believe, they will come. They will come...