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Siya - Posted April 17, 2008

Let me share my stories. I am trying to find out what I have learned from my experiences.

He and his girlfriend broke up that time. I was on my seat. Checking my online accounts. I saw a message. It came from a guy. He wanted to be friends with me. I ignored. He sent a message again. I ignored. He tried my patience but I gave in and accepted his invitation to be friends with him.

We were of the same age that time, just turned 20. We met after several text message exchanges. About a week. I was not attracted to him the first time we met. He was taller than me, nice body, good looking and was nice and was intelligent. I never liked moreno guys before. Mestizos have always been my type but he broke my preference. 

He was editor-in-chief of their University paper that time. He was also a student council. He was the reigning Mr. University. He was also part of their University’s theater org. He was a diligent student. He was my complete opposite.

This friend of mine, was having a hard time getting over his past relationship. I offered a shoulder to cry on. He would text me from time to time. Every hour, every minute. Everyday and even before going to sleep. These small acts I never noticed before. But there was a time when he swept me off my feet. He was in Baguio for a seminar those times. While in Baguio, we never failed to check how I was doing. Not on text but by call. I felt really something strange for him that time. I ignored what I was feeling since I told myself then that guys will just make me cry. What he did to make me loose my grip on my heart was this, he was coming down from Baguio. And every stop-over he would call me. Every hour he would call me too to check what I was doing. He would text me where he was and how long before he arrived in Manila. I found that very sweet then I fell for him bad.

It was a sudden change of heart. From being cold to being warm, I was to him. When he arrived in Manila, I was the first person he met. Not his family, not his other friends but me. How I knew it? He told me to wait for him in the bus station and so I did. Then we ate out after he arrived. We talked about just anything. He’s not out. He never wanted to be out since a lot of people looked up to him. So basically we would have our first date far far from his place. We dated a lot of times. Sometimes his treat, sometimes mine. We’re just students so we didn’t go anywhere posh and expensive. We were basically cheap. We would eat isaw near their place. Eat fishball and all kinds of street foods. Eat in a carenderia when we had no money left. SM Centerpoint was our tambayan when we were already close since it was the mall nearest to both of us. We have walked from SM Megamall til Galleria. Ride every mode of public transportation on land. He wasn’t that well-off unlike my other friend. But I enjoyed every minute I was with him. I was happy and he was happy. He would always tell me how happy he was to have me. Of course I was happy too.

But wait, we were not in a relationship. We were just so close during those times. I fell hard for him. He said I was special for him. We enjoyed what we had. We would watch movies, and he would hold my hand. We cuddled inside the movie house when it was cold. We would feed each other popcorns while watching. He always let me sing his favorite song. He can’t sing so he would always ask me to sing for him. We would stay in Starbucks almost every night and just talk and talk and talk.

There was one time he wanted to visit our house. I didn’t allow him. It just wasn’t right then. But he never insisted again. On the other hand, he asked me to go to their house. I refused. I don’t know if it’s just me but I sensed that something was going to happen if ever we visited somebody’s house. I wanted to preserve him. After all those hook-ups and one night stand I had. I wanted a good start with him. I treasured him and he was like a jewel. But maybe, that was just what I was thinking. He just wanted to visit and that’s it.

Every night we talked on the phone. He asked me questions about anything. My family, my school, my past, anything. I wasn’t that open before to people. At first, I thought, he was trying trying to invade my personal space. But no, for the first time, since he was so open and was very eager to tell me his stories, I started sharing my stories too with him without barriers. No pretense. All truth. For the first time, I felt like I can breathe. Someone was interested with what I have to tell and what stories I had to share. He kept asking questions and I answered. I never felt that he was choking me or invading my privacy when he was asking me those things. I felt it was sweet. Someone was interested with me. With what I have to say. With my stories. With who I am. He never lied to me. I never lied to him as well. I was now madly in love with him that time.

I can still remember all his stories. He had such a miserable life. His mother, his brother, his sister and his pamangkins. I won't go into details. Every night he would cry on the phone and I would comfort him. I share my apprehensions too with him. He was a great listener. He didn’t think like a 20 year old guy. He was mature for his age. He was really a complete opposite of me.

Months passed by and we were like lovers. Like lovers. He would still ask what I was doing. Who I was with. Where I was and questions I thought were sweet. He cared about me. He was interested with me. And when I would ask him where we were, he would answer: “You’re special to me”. I was secured. I didn’t want to have sex with him until it was officially us. We never even kissed. Just held hands.

One early morning, I received a text message “Kami na ulit ng ex ko”. How's that for a morning greeting? I was shattered. I immediately flew away cause it was so painful. Why didn't he say that he's still into his ex? Was that something hard to do? I could have distance myself if he still felt something for his ex. He could have at least told me. I was broken. I don't know what to do those times. He didn’t hear a word from me again.

Before, I told myself I won’t cry because of a guy, but I cried because of him. For a month I cried before I slept. For a year, I didn’t date any guy because of what happened. Make that 2 years. I was devastated. I never wanted to go to the places we've been. I lost my trust. I lost myself. I lost him. I lost that almost-relationship. It was one of my lowest moments. But early this year, we bumped into each other. We tried to patch everything up. It’s still him and his girlfriend. And I told him I was happy for him and I never had the chance to say I love you to him.

And now, after 3 years, everything is like yesterday. I thought I've learned. But maybe, when we fall in love, we forget what we've learned because in love, we become unreasonable. And although a lot people tell themselves they've learned in love, the truth is, they'll never apply it once they fall in love --- again...