jjcobwebb

I have never been in a relationship. Yes, it's true. People around me never believe me when I tell them this. I have had flings and hook-ups here and there, but a serious one? Never had.

I once had this friend,  we met on-line. I just turned 19 then and he was 23. The whole gay thing was new to me that time. I was aggressive and was so eager to explore what the world I was in was. Guys4men and Downelink were non-existent during those times. There were no gay networking sites yet when me and this friend got to know each other. The site is where one simply puts up a profile with pictures and then specifies what his or her orientation is. The orientation that I chose on that site was "Open-Minded" since I really do not know where I belong yet during those times. I was cuter back then if I may say! Hahaha! He had no pictures. He sent me a message and told me that nobody knows about him and that he wanted to be friends with me. To my kind heart, I gave him a chance to be my friend. We exchanged numbers and YM id's and we started from there. Everyday he would text and everyday we would talk. He was sweet. He remembered me every single hour of the day. I asked him if he wanted to meet up with me. Have a coffee or something. He refused. We were already close as close friends during those times. He wasn't ready yet he told me. I drifted away since I am one of those who believes that physical presence is much better than virtual presence. In that kind of presence, you get to know how the person act and talk. How he really thinks in a live conversation. In a spontaneous conversation. And how he looks into your eyes. He wasn't ready so I stopped any communication from him.

6 months later, I received a text message. The message came from an unnamed contact. So, I tried asking who the person was in my way of asking names of unnamed contacts, "Sorry my phone got reformatted, who's this?". It was him. I never saw a picture of him. Not even a part of his body. He told me he was ready to meet up with me that time. I got all excited. The texting and chatting continued for months and he showed himself to me on a web-cam. He was hot. Ripped body, tall, above average looking. He was everything I have fantasized about. And in my own description, he was a god.

Second term and I had my English research paper course. I always did cut that subject for him. Just to meet up with him. Our first meet up happened so fast. He fetched me, I rode on his car, he told me he forgot something in his condo and the rest was history. To cut it short we immediately had sex in his condo. It was my first time that night. And when I got home, I tried taking a bath for as long as I could because I really felt dirty. But this meet-sex-meet-sex arrangement continued for 5 months. I didn't know the term fuck-buddy then. Another friend told me we were already that. But it's not like everytime we meet up we had sex, no. He is a sweet guy. A sensitive one too. I remember spending my first Valentine's Day with him. He treated me so special that I got gifts and lotsa foods that day. I wasn't thoughtful back then. I remember him saying "Aw, you didn't bring me even a single rose". I didn't know he was that sensitive. So I just kissed him, while he was driving, and told him that I was sorry. He smiled and held my hand. The people in front us, inside the jeepney saw me kissed him. We just laughed hard and headed to The Fort. I really felt special those times.I think I was.

We continued hanging out. Me going to his condo like every ENGLTWO subject. I would cut it just to be with him those times. We would cook together, watch DVD together. Ate out and dined out. Timezone-d together. Bought groceries together. He would even buy me something when we were shopping. And when his friends would visit his condo, he would introduce me as his cousin. Then we would laugh once his friends are gone. And I was introduced as his cousin many times! Hahaha! We would order pizza and pig ourselves out. We would play Punch U-Punch Me but I slapped him on the face everytime he hit me hard. I would throw his books and magazines when he would tease me. There was even a time I got so angry that I threw one of his magazines out of the window and then after that we just laughed. Hahaha! I know that was weird. We cleaned his unit together. Helped me with my research paper that time. Car washed together. Dry-cleaned clothes together. Walked along the streets of Makati late at night together. And would you believe, he would let me watch him work-out in the gym? But most of the time, we would just sit down in his condo's penthouse, overlooking Makati, underneath the stars, and just talk about anything. 

It was like us. Well that's how we were but sadly it we were not. He even invited me to go with him to Boracay for free. Of course, I wasn't spontaneous back then. If I didn't have those failed programming subjects, I would have said yes. He never told me what his job was. But he was always carrying this little notebook with him everywhere we went. He never told me his real name too. I discovered it myself when we registered his car. He was the most closeted gay I've ever met. Not a single hint. But everytime I asked him if he was gay, he would answer no. I didn't bother asking that to him again.

Things came to sink in when he moved to a new condo that time. It was a more expensive condo. I was with him when he was trying to bargain for that unit. I remember him smiling at me when the manager already gave him the keys to his new condo. We didn't meet up for several weeks since he was moving out from his old condo. Then, I visited him when he told me that everything on his new condo was already fixed and asked me to drop by. Then we had sex. The bed was bigger now. And it was a California King sized bed. The room ambiance was much better and it was a bliss making love on top of the world. Yes, his room was overlooking Greenbelt 3. Everything was impeccable. If there's such thing as posh sex, I had one. Hahaha! He always slept after we did it. I was watching the TV that time in the living room and was thinking "where we were" those times. He was sleeping in the bedroom. That's when I told myself, I wanted to have a relationship. I knew there was nobody else he was seeing since most of the time, I was  holding his 2 cellphones. We didn't have common friends but I knew who his friends were. All of his phone's messages came from his friends and from his mom. That's when I felt, I was special. 

He always gave me a ride home. He always insisted. In the car, we were talking. I brought up the relationship idea that I was thinking about. So I asked: "What do you think about relationships?". He paused for a while. I closed my eyes and tried opening one eye while waiting for his answer. There was an uncomfortable silence. He took a deep breath. He looked at me and smiled and told me these words: "Let's put it this way, just think of me when we're together.", then he patted my head held my hand. I was speechless. Those words are so vivid that I still remember his voice when he said those. I wanted to have something more. I wanted something I could hold on to. The moment he dropped me off my house, he never heard a word from me again...

Well, this year we're in contact again --- hahaha. And he was hotter the last time I saw him. He told me what his real job is. And I just realized he was brave to say and show how he felt. He didn't use me nor play with my feelings. He was honest with me. He said what's in his mind. He was consistent with his words and deeds.

He didn't lead me on.

These I never realized before.

And now, we're friends again and that's all we'll ever be...